Monday, June 16, 2014

Composite Afternoon

Tomorrow matters more than yesterday. Nothing new matches a lost horizon’s unfulfilled allure. Be present, be mindful. Reconnect with everything from who you were, recent self irrelevant. Forward. He tells himself to stop. Back and forth, here and there, now and then.  The passed present imperfect: another moment drowning in yesterday’s shadow sea. On his back, on the cold concrete floor of his living room, light shafts peer through the curtains and stop just before his face. Anyone else in the house might think something was wrong; anyone else hasn’t been here in weeks. He exhales and convinces himself to move, meditating feels like nowhere and he can always walk away. Reconcile yourself with yourself and leave, be better than those moments made it seem.

Relations passed away, and you couldn’t make time for the funerals. Your life had gone in a far, different direction. Attempting sincerity then would have meant more to everyone, including you, now.

Another conversation with family members, another fight over things beyond your control. You don’t call for months and relish how serene your life can be. A pervasive fear of disconnection settles over your time together since.

You told the person you loved never to contact you again. Snowy downtown streets couldn’t keep you from running away, and time hasn’t kept you from turning around. Hurt keeps longer than anger though, and belated apologies are easily ignored.

He won’t let another day disappear prostrate with passed emotions. Healing begins when you step outside, commit yourself to change, and walk towards the renewed you. He recites encouraging mantras but, in that outside, the hot season sun is raging. Drenched in sweat and melancholy on his discolored metal couch, he takes solace in how, despite it all, he’s nearly made it. How he attempted something enormous, and how he will fulfill the commitment he made nearly two years ago. His older emotional baggage hasn't disappeared in that time, if anything it’s been joined by a few onerous new pieces, but he feels so much more adept at carrying it all now. The sun is setting on one of his last days in Africa, and he’s more excited about where his life is going than hung up on where it’s been. So long as he’s mindful of himself and keeps developing, he'll become the better man he dreams of being. 

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